32 Lessons for 32 Years
Reflecting on the learned truths I uncovered leading up to my first birthday as a mother.
I turned 32 years old on Labor Day and it was my first birthday as a mother.
On September 2, I stepped into a new light. My birthday felt so much more real this year. I learned just a few months prior what it felt like to give someone else a birthday. This extra special marker of a radical new beginning for both child and mother, given by another — it’s certainly something to celebrate to the fullest extent, confetti and all.
In new motherhood, I’ve been learning a lot, naturally. I am struck that I have lived 32 years and can still become someone new. I can still change. I still have time.
Everything has become a celebration. Everything is miraculous.
Joni smiled twice in a row! Joni found her hands! Joni didn’t cry when the evil-booger-picker attacked her nostrils! Joni felt grass between her toes! Joni saw the sun! Balloons! Cake! Presents!
I’ve been reflecting on what all of this means. To be born and to birth and to experience everything for the first time and to become part of time itself.
The older I get, the less I feel like I know. So, I feel a bit like an impostor calling anything I know a “lesson,” but today I’m recounting all of the observations that brought me to 32 and into my new and beautiful life as Mom.
1. Love comes in many forms.
There is no such thing as the elusive “one great love” that is better than all the others. There are simply different forms of love that serve different purposes. Love for spouse. Love for sibling. Love for child. Love for friend. You are not on an ultimate quest to only find one love to give your life meaning. All are impactful. All are love. Let them all find you.
2. Actions > what ifs.
Life is short. Make the change. Take the leap. Say I love you first. Pivot. Act. Wondering “what if” cuts deeper than having tried and failed.
3. Late night thoughts disappear during sleep.
If that brilliant idea of yours to save the world comes to you in an inopportune moment right before you fall asleep, take the brief moment to jot it down somewhere. You won’t remember it in the morning. All great ideas disappear in the night if you don’t collect them before they fly out of your dreams and into the stars for someone else to wish upon.
4. A hot shower is a reset button.
Heartbroken? Take a hot shower. Overstimulated? Take a hot shower. Winding down? Take a hot shower. Need a moment to yourself? The steam will set you free.
5. Home is not a place.
I stopped feeling homesick for places I’d never been when I realized that home is the present.
6. Everything is easier than it seems.
I’m not saying I can waltz into NASA and fly myself to space tomorrow — but I’m saying that anyone who has ever done anything has first been a beginner.
7. Drink more water.
The more water you drink, the better you’ll feel. It’s obvious, but it’s often forgotten. Seriously, drink your water.
8. The secret to wellness is not sold online.
I spent years trying to concoct the perfect skin routine — to put some magic cream on the outside of my body to cure my imperfections. I’ve stopped looking at the lives I’ve lived on my body as fragments of imperfection and instead started focusing more on what I put inside my body. Food. Sleep. Water. Love. That moisturizer that’s obnoxiously $100 for a mere 1.7 oz? It’s not worth it and it doesn’t have a secret sauce. The secret sauce is actually a corporate executive trying to fill the green pockets of other corporate executives under the guise of self-care. Wash your face and carry on.
9. Tell your people you love them.
Everyone needs to hear it. As many times as possible.
10. Actions > intentions.
I can’t read minds and you can’t read mine. Act in accordance with your intentions.
11. You don’t need to become everyone’s best friend.
Normalize not becoming friends with every single person you meet. We’re allowed to be kind to each other without letting everyone new into our most private spaces. We don’t all connect deeply. It isn’t possible. And it would be exhausting. We’re allowed to have friends on the periphery.
12. It’s important to ask questions before giving advice.
Assumption is a detriment to empathy.
13. Sleep resets grumpiness.
A cold pillow in a dark room is the secret to avoiding a grump attack on an unsuspecting loved one after a really hard day. Snooze.
14. Your art is not for everyone.
If you try to appeal to everyone, you connect with no one. I don’t believe that you have to relate to art to enjoy consuming art. But if stories of breastfeeding woes make a person uncomfortable, that person will probably skip reading my newsletter. And that’s perfectly okay with me — there’s something else out there more suitable to be consumed instead.
15. Receiving a handwritten letter in the mail gives a dopamine rush.
Handwritten letters are a lost art. I keep almost every card I receive if a message is written inside. There’s something so special about reading words etched permanently in ink from someone who took the time to tell you how they feel.
16. Gossip to your journal.
Your journal will never judge you and pages don’t get hurt feelings.
17. Setting boundaries is a necessity.
If you don’t want anyone kissing your baby, tell them. Your boundaries are your needs. And your needs are not up for discussion.
18. Embrace your inner child.
If you are 32 years old and your favorite food is still Mac n’ Cheese, embrace it. Life is too short to care if someone thinks your food preferences are juvenile (the superior Mac).
19. Things to avoid talking about with friends: weather, stocks, mortgage rates, and taxes.
There are few things more dull than adults cosplaying as adults. No one wants to talk about mortgage rates while drinking gin martinis on a Saturday night. Dive into each other — stop acting like what you think an adult should be talking about and get to know each other better.
20. Embrace your interests.
You don’t need the approval of your peers, or of strangers online, to pursue and embrace your interests. If you like the song, sing along. If you like the taste, declare it with glee. Kick your soccer ball. Play your piano. Write your poems. Groupthink kills personality. Don’t let other people kill your curiosity.
21. You don’t have to love your body every day.
I don’t trust chronically positive people, because some days I simply feel inadequate and some days I don’t like my reflection in the mirror and I don’t know how anyone could ever not feel these fleeting and human doubts at least once in their imperfect lives.
22. A bad day is not a bad life.
Sometimes you just need to see Nos. 4 and 13 above and start new tomorrow.
23. Health is the key to everything.
Without your health, everything else falls apart. You can’t always control what happens to your body. You have no say over congenital defects or cellular abnormalities or injuries or unfair diagnoses that you never asked for. But when you can, if you can, do your best to keep your vessel thriving.
24. You are allowed to change.
There are no rules about who you are or who you want to become.
25. You can be more than one thing.
You can scream in a metal band on a Friday night and have tea in a rose garden on Saturday morning. In fact, you can scream in a metal band wearing the puffy dress you were planning to wear to have tea in the rose garden. You do not have to choose between selves. You are not an aesthetic. You are a person.
26. You’re allowed to quit things that don’t serve you.
Go ahead. Call me a quitter. I don’t care. Because one thing I don’t waste here is time.
27. A lie always gets uncovered.
Someone somewhere knows someone who will unveil you. Don’t even bother spinning the web.
28. Motherhood is expansive.
I once feared that having a child would interrupt my life. Now I wonder what would’ve been interrupted. My life has expanded, not shrunk. Motherhood stretches you — and now I hardly remember life before my daughter.
29. Always order dessert.
With a cappuccino. The cozy moments spoon-fighting over a fresh slice of chocolate cake after a delectable dinner are the most intimate and memorable.
30. Anger is not a wasted emotion.
To advocate for change, something must first make you angry enough to want do something about it. I’m impressed by those who are calm, cool, and collected, but I am not so chill. I’ve never been “gently” inspired. See No. 7 to prevent burnout.
31. Floss!!!
A life-changing habit for the foundation of your well-being.
32. Live huge.
The best life is one lived to the fullest, however you fill yourself up.
Xo,
Violet Carol
More words from Violet Carol can be found on Instagram.
Other Mother Love Letters posts can be read here.
Mother Love Letters is a newsletter for intimate words on the messy and magical shared experiences of pregnancy and motherhood. If this post resonated with you, please feel free to “like” it, share it with a friend, or leave a comment to connect.
I love this! I'm doing a birthday post later this month of my own, and I'm wondering if I could link to this one at the bottom of my post as a suggested read of a similar type?
You called me out on the flossing, I have been terrible about it since becoming a mom, something had to go...even though I know how important is. I love these lessons, especially you can be many things at once. Oh and, motherhood is expansive, YES!