A Glass Half Full for the Halfway Point

I have survived the first 20 weeks of my tumultuous pregnancy and I'm finally starting to hold little joys about it all.

Over 20 weeks have passed since the life I’m carrying took root in my womb, and I’m embracing this milestone with a glass-of-icy-cold-water-half-full mentality. My glass will fill and fill and fill until it runneth over with excitement and unbridled joy for the baby girl I will have in my arms by the beginning of July. There is no emptying the experiences I had during my half of pregnancy. There is only refilling what I have unintentionally splashed out and I’m holding every little joy I can find until I give birth.

Have I developed first trimester amnesia? Absolutely not. But have I finally begun to feel a little bit brighter and a little bit less miserable? Absolutely yes. And I’m celebrating this revelation in case I lose this glimmer again when the third trimester presents herself for the grand finale in ways I cannot imagine.

Photo by Alexandrae Photo

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If you would’ve asked me 10 weeks ago if I was enjoying my pregnancy, I would’ve laughed maniacally in response until I exploded into purple flames. I still don’t feel like I’m necessarily enjoying being pregnant, but my painful and discomforting symptoms have significantly lessened, and so I have found new ways to manage my new normal. I have found little joys that explode like purple glimmers in my hands instead. I have made it halfway. I have grown a human with organs and bones and blood. I am worthy of grace and joy and honesty in this experience. Today, I feel good.

Flutterings. I started to feel Joni kick me in the uterus at week 16. I thought it was gas at first. Then her flutterings increased in intensity. I am grateful to have felt my baby so early. I am also lucky to have a posterior placenta, which means this organ is not in front of my uterus and therefore not blocking my baby from kicking me in all the right places that I can feel and touch and cherish.

I’m holding these early flutterings as a reward for the darkness I endured following miscarriage recovery and a horrible first three months of pregnancy. I touch my tummy while she touches my fingers. I run wildly to my husband to press his palm where she’s wiggling. I move my loved ones’ hands all around my belly to feel this life inside of a life.

Now at week 22, I feel like there is a baby bunny thumping at me from the inside, all day every day, reminding me that through it all, a tiny child is simply waiting innocently to meet me Earth-side.

Energy surge. Around week 18, I felt an energy surge. I don’t feel anywhere near my pre-pregnancy baseline, but I feel well enough to move, stretch, eat, work, and live. I don’t feel confined to my bedroom. I instead feel inspired to clean and organize. I feel inspired to wash my hair and actually dry it. I feel inspired to see people I couldn’t for months. I feel grateful for every second that I am not vomiting. I feel grateful for every meal I am able to swallow. I feel grateful that I do not seek the couch after five minutes of standing. I feel grateful my baby is still growing. I am grateful that we made it here together.

Feasting. I cannot stop eating. And I am thrilled. Between October and December, I ate nothing but bananas and crackers. I physically could not swallow anything else (even toothpaste was a struggle). My second trimester reward? I now want to eat everything. I eat two breakfasts. Two lunches. Two dinners. I crave protein more than ever. I need all the bacon. All the chocolate. All the sour candy. All the cheese! Give me ALL THE FOOD. It’s a glorious era of feasting and my body couldn’t be happier.

Round belly. Baby Joni popped earlier than most. She made her appearance around week 16 and has continued to grow since. She is out and about, and I make sure to show her off everywhere I go. Because I am embracing this new shape and this roundness and this protrusion of this life I am growing. I am fascinated by the skin, blood, and fluid my body has newly produced to make this physical change happen. I want to have a giant belly that looks like the moon. And I want this because it is a visible reminder that my baby is still inside of me.

Slow downs. I typically move through life in a full sprint. Nothing has humbled me more than pregnancy. I have been forced to slow down. For everything. Slow to wake. Slow to sleep. Slow to stretch. Slow to move. Slow to walk.

Slow, slow, slow.

Slow breath, slow words, slow living. Simmering in quiet. Becoming more intentional with each movement because I have to be. I have no choice.

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I hope this list of joys continues to grow as I do. I have no grand revelations to share or secrets to divulge here. I am exhaling with this post knowing it is not exhausting for me to release. There is so much peace in feeling content, holding space for joy, appreciating what I can while honoring what has already been endured.

I am at rest, at peace, halfway to breath. I hope when you can, you feel this way, too.

“Halfway to Breath” by Violet Carol

I have made blood inside of blood
Bone inside of bone
Air inside of water
When you ask me what I have done
These last few months I will say 
Two hearts wrote this poem
Two brains placed these words
Four legs kicked wildly into new spaces 
Four hands imprinted permanent lines
20 fingers tickled, fluttered, intertwined
20 toes grounded, rooted, sprouted
Over 20 weeks have passed growing 
My tiny child inside one womb
Two souls, millions of cells
She becomes me and I become her
Halfway to breath now
We are and always will be
One and the same

Xo,

Violet Carol