I feel so seen…haha! I also had a c-section with my little guy (my first and only babe right now.) Your experience, feelings, thought process, the things said to you….yeah. Same.
I didn’t even make it 2 weeks “triple feeding.” (Excuse me while I puke in my mouth for a moment while I think about the memories of that experience.) I switched to formula and probably saved my entire family’s life. (Kind of an exaggeration but maybe not actually.) Thank God for the modern option of formula.
Looking back, I genuinely thought all the lactation professionals would know how to help me: a brand new emotional mom who just endured a 3 day labor ending in unexpected major abdominal surgery. (How are you supposed to do a job no one trained you for 24 hours a day while recovering from one of the most intense and invasive surgeries on the list?)
Needless to say, I was very wrong about the lactation consultants. Everyone was well-meaning and I hold no grudges, but holy smokes! They didn’t even scrape the surface when it came to helping me be successful!
It makes me wonder, if we were designed to feed our babies, why is it so freaking hard? And if the professionals aren’t truly helping moms be successful at feeding their babies, are we all being given wrong information? Are we missing something?
There has to be a better way. Are we doing something as a society that makes breastfeeding harder than it needs to be? Because I can accept that breastfeeding is hard. But not THIS hard.
Thank you for writing this - even though it took a long time and you had to find time to write in between it all. I really hope things will improve drastically for our society soon when it comes to the mother and baby department!
You pulled this comment straight from my own head! I have had all the same thoughts as you, I find a lot of comfort in that 🥹
It is SO hard. And I am also grateful for formula for saving me and my family, I truly don’t know how I would’ve been able to do this without that to supplement. I would LOVE to deep-dive into the push on breastfeeding rn culturally — there has to be some sort of policy explanation. I would also love to know why the consultations from “lactation experts” come with little applicable advice lol I’ll revisit this again soon 👀
Sending you hugs! You’re doing great for your family 💖
"What am I missing here" was the constant question I had while breastfeeding. Why does every LC do something different. If tongue ties are so common, why aren't they routinely examined for them? Why did my pediatrician keep telling me to avoid letting the babies "snack" when all the trad breastfeeders said clusterfeeding is necessary? How is this not settled science yet? Why does my pediatrician have any opinion on breastfeeding at all when he received no training on it? Why do the hardliners insist that supply issues aren't real when I'm holding a screaming baby at my empty breast? Am I just supposed to smile at the baby and say "hey, baby, I'm actually doing a great job here and you're absolutely receiving everything you need from me."
Also, my hot take is that when a doctor says "you have to triple feed" what they actually mean is "you're not actually able to breastfeed, but I'm not allowed to say that, so instead I'm going to describe to you an insane protocol that no one can comply with and assume you'll figure it out."
Yes to all of this! I felt all of these same sentiments, and also during pregnancy. So much is unexplained, which is confounding because childbirth is the singular event that everyone who is ever born must go through, whether it be being birthed or birthing.
I’ve also rejected the “your body will do what it needs” sentiment. That’s not always true, as you point out in your comment! And it is quite disheartening for someone who has battled a disease, cancer or other congenital issue wherein the body did in fact do exactly the OPPOSITE of what it was supposed to.
Here’s to hoping the future is better for the little ones of today 🩵🫶🏻
It was actually in my birth plan and explicitly repeated to my doula to NOT say "your body was made for this/your body is doing what it needs to/you were made for this." That's such a baldfaced lie that hearing it immediately makes me feel like I'm in danger. Perhaps it's not surprising that I ended up with a c section, but when the cord is wrapped around the baby's neck and preventing his head from being in the right spot, it's a loss for natural childbirth.
I’m glad everything worked out — the nuchal cord is terrifying! My girl had that too, also c-section but planned. That’s another element of labor & delivery that seems to get a lot of flak? I’m writing about my experience (positive) with a c-section soon and how we must follow our instincts and advocate for ourselves ALWAYS 🫶🏻
Sooooo much of the conversation around full-time breastfeeding is COMPLETELY insane. People genuinely expect you to wake up every two hours for weeks (mayyyybe three), to breastfeed AND pump, and to track your baby’s ounce gains practically daily to make sure all is fine. Breastfeeding should be about allowing women to trust themselves, but it feels a whole lot like it’s about control and shame.
Totally! And there’s hardly any advice readily available on how to manage all of this…how do we carry on with other tasks in the day? Manage pain? Engorgement? Wean if we can’t do it? The more I talk about this the more I learn that so many of us have the same frustrations about the discourse — hoping one day this changes 🙏🏼
Or deal with other kids?! I EFFed my third for a variety of I Hate Breastfeeding reasons but a good chunk of it was simply not believing that it's possible to breastfeed a baby when you have other young kids.
Thank you for writing this and being real about the experience. Sending you some good vibes as you progress through your journey 🌹✨ I am pregnant with my first and was told to not get a pump because it confuses the body and makes it think you’re feeding more babies than you actually are. It’s so much conflicting information out there! Reading about real experiences is very helpful and cuts through the noise.
Thank you for this sweet comment! Currently weaning and feeling much better 🫶🏻 Wishing you all the best with your first — it’s a wild but rewarding time 🩵 I’m glad I had my pump, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to even to breastfeed at all! You can get them through insurance if you want one as a backup before you decide what’s best for you — I used yummymummystore.com 💌
Hi!! I realize this post is quite a few months old now and I’m so sorry this was such a journey for you - I’m curious if any LC or doctors looked for tongue lip or cheek ties with your daughter? Was there a reason she struggled to latch if you ever found out? I find it very odd that those things aren’t checked for in hospital at birth - I am breastfeeding my son (born in October) and he had a horrible tongue and lip tie - I only knew to ask for someone to look and check his mouth at birth because my best friends kid had the same — the first eight days of trying to breastfeed before he got his frenectomy were hell - wouldn’t latch until he screamed himself to near blue in the face every time but also wasn’t taking a bottle.
I’m just curious if they ever checked your daughter ! I’m sorry this wasn’t the journey you hoped for but sounds like you’ve begun to wean and found peace with it 💕
Thank you for such a thoughtful comment! 🫶🏻 My doctor and one of the clinical lactation consultants I saw (NOT at the hospital) did check for those potential issues and she was all clear. The biggest barriers were my oversized boobs and nonexistent nipples LOL I justtttt posted a very long Part 2 to this with my best friend actually ☺️
Your suggestion would’ve been SO helpful to read before I gave birth just for additional peace of mind re “what” to look for. HUGE props to you for breastfeeding rn and I’m sorry you faced those first challenges. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done! I hope your journey on the milky express is as positive as it can be 🩵
Breastfeeding is the hardest! That’s the honest truth.
I wonder if the reason they were so pushy in hospital is because they’re “trying” to get breastfeeding rates up for CS’s or for the hospital data? I wonder if you did skin-to-skin? (Sorry if it’s a naive question I haven’t had a CS).
Final thought, if you’re very engorged then there’s a chance of over pumping. I learnt breastfeeding is an on-demand type of thing. The more you take. The more you make. The less you take. The less you make (hence another issue I hear is people top up with formula and then their supply drops because the body thinks it no longer needs that feed).
It is a tough choice to make though. When is “enough” enough? And there’s no definite answer because it’ll vary from person to person.
It is so hard! I’m so in awe of everyone who can do it. My doctor was great about skin-to-skin right after birth, so I did have that right after she came out! You’re probably onto something with that guess as to why they were so pushy, I can’t think of any other reason.
Totally hear you on the engorgement and wish I would’ve known that at the outset — lessening my pump sessions definitely helped. I did have a ton of milk in general, it was a delicate balance trying not to over-pump 🤣
so relatable! thanks so much for sharing your story! you’re the first person I’ve run into to share the commotion with LCs just after birth and I feel so seen! because of my experience, I’ve also become an exclusive pumper, but now at six months I’m venturing to see if I can get my baby to nurse. all I can say is that it does get easier bit by bit!
Thank you so much for reading and leaving this sweet comment! I think it’s amazing you’ve persevered, I’ve heard many women say it gets easier past the sixth month mark but know it’s no cake walk to do so. I hope you can do it!!
Your writing pulled me back to those early days that I think I've blocked out. I experienced engorgement, mastitis (3x), a crazy nipple infection that required a personalized compound ointment, D-MER, PPD/PPA, etc.--all while my city, NYC, was shut down (April 2020). Fast forward to now: I have two healthy, beautiful daughters, 4.5 and almost 3. I breastfed both of them, cumulatively, for 40 months (with only a three-month intermission). The physical and emotional toll nearly broke me and my marriage. I've been in therapy now for more than two years, and it has been so helpful. I look back on those days and wonder what it would have been like to switch to formula. I wonder if all the pain and turmoil was worth it. But now that I'm on the other side of it, I think that it was the right choice for me. As I tend to say to my fellow mom-friends, "Whatever choice you make is the right one because all that really matters is what works best for you and your family." Let go of the guilt, and follow your heart. I hope you find clarity in the days ahead. 💕
Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry that you had to manage all of that all at once — I am SO impressed and in awe of every woman’s story who reads like this and what you overcame to best provide for your children. Of course, it would be so much better without the hardship and unnecessary pain, but it’s very introspective of you to see the big picture of how your choices were the best decision for you and your family 🫶🏻 I’m actually writing a Part 2 to my first post with my best friend — I did indeed switch to formula (SO glad), and she is going on 6 months EBF with her second child. Rly excited to share her experience so my readers can see both sides of the spectrum and how all of us moms do better sticking together 🩵
I love that, Violet! Yes, I am one of the very few in my friends' circle that EBF, and you know what? We are all good. We all support one another's choices, and we LOVE each other through them. I don't know where I'd be without my mom-friends; they are the real ones, for sure. I recently wrote about the tenderness of mothers, both conventional and unconventional over on my Substack publication, Human/Mother. If you get the chance to read, I'd love to hear your thoughts! https://open.substack.com/pub/katrinadonhamwrites/p/are-you-my-mother?r=3cnvg1&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web.
I think it must have been pure adrenaline, I’m now looking back and thinking the same thing 😱 I’m hoping to revisit this again when my milk finally stops coming and I’ve fully weaned. Thanks for reading — we’re in this together 🩵
This was me. Thank you for articulating the truth of the task. It was excruciating. I am fascinated by what mothers throughout history did to address the difficulty of breastfeeding. If anyone finds good books on the topic, I’d love to learn.
Thanks so much for reading — I’m so sorry you faced similar challenges, I wish it were easier! I’ve wondered the same thing, would I have not been able to feed my baby if I were born in a different time? Ditto to wanting to read a book on the topic 🩵
Your pain is real. As always your honesty will help others!❤️
I had very much had a love/hate relationship with breastfeeding and had to stop at 6 weeks due to infection we both had and felt like such a failure. I was chastised in the hospital entire time I was there and just cried most of the time. Everyone I knew said how great breastfeeding was so made it worse.
You are brave and sending you strength and love always!🤍
Oh no, I am so sorry to hear you had that experience! 💔 I’m thrilled for all of my friends who have been able breastfeed the way I wanted, and utterly confused at the lack of support in the hospital to get those of us who can’t do it as naturally while being bombarded with admonitions about using formulas 🙄 I love you tons! 💖
Violet!! So much here I can relate to. I also had a difficult experience with lactation consultants in the hospital. I hear you & I feel for you. I exclusively pumped for quite a while and had such a love-hate relationship with it. I love how you’re processing all these feels and sharing them. I wish I could have known how to share this when I was in your shoes.
P.S. The fridge hack for pump parts saved my sanity. Hang in there! These early days are so much. my DMs are open if you ever want to talk pumping!
The more I talk about this, the more women who tell me they had similar hospital experiences with the lactation consultants! Truly confounding that so many of us had that shared experience 😵💫
The love-hate relationship is so real. I’m currently on the “hate” — who knows what next week will bring. I will def take you up on the DMs if I continue and overcome this current hill! 💖
I feel so seen…haha! I also had a c-section with my little guy (my first and only babe right now.) Your experience, feelings, thought process, the things said to you….yeah. Same.
I didn’t even make it 2 weeks “triple feeding.” (Excuse me while I puke in my mouth for a moment while I think about the memories of that experience.) I switched to formula and probably saved my entire family’s life. (Kind of an exaggeration but maybe not actually.) Thank God for the modern option of formula.
Looking back, I genuinely thought all the lactation professionals would know how to help me: a brand new emotional mom who just endured a 3 day labor ending in unexpected major abdominal surgery. (How are you supposed to do a job no one trained you for 24 hours a day while recovering from one of the most intense and invasive surgeries on the list?)
Needless to say, I was very wrong about the lactation consultants. Everyone was well-meaning and I hold no grudges, but holy smokes! They didn’t even scrape the surface when it came to helping me be successful!
It makes me wonder, if we were designed to feed our babies, why is it so freaking hard? And if the professionals aren’t truly helping moms be successful at feeding their babies, are we all being given wrong information? Are we missing something?
There has to be a better way. Are we doing something as a society that makes breastfeeding harder than it needs to be? Because I can accept that breastfeeding is hard. But not THIS hard.
Thank you for writing this - even though it took a long time and you had to find time to write in between it all. I really hope things will improve drastically for our society soon when it comes to the mother and baby department!
You pulled this comment straight from my own head! I have had all the same thoughts as you, I find a lot of comfort in that 🥹
It is SO hard. And I am also grateful for formula for saving me and my family, I truly don’t know how I would’ve been able to do this without that to supplement. I would LOVE to deep-dive into the push on breastfeeding rn culturally — there has to be some sort of policy explanation. I would also love to know why the consultations from “lactation experts” come with little applicable advice lol I’ll revisit this again soon 👀
Sending you hugs! You’re doing great for your family 💖
"What am I missing here" was the constant question I had while breastfeeding. Why does every LC do something different. If tongue ties are so common, why aren't they routinely examined for them? Why did my pediatrician keep telling me to avoid letting the babies "snack" when all the trad breastfeeders said clusterfeeding is necessary? How is this not settled science yet? Why does my pediatrician have any opinion on breastfeeding at all when he received no training on it? Why do the hardliners insist that supply issues aren't real when I'm holding a screaming baby at my empty breast? Am I just supposed to smile at the baby and say "hey, baby, I'm actually doing a great job here and you're absolutely receiving everything you need from me."
Also, my hot take is that when a doctor says "you have to triple feed" what they actually mean is "you're not actually able to breastfeed, but I'm not allowed to say that, so instead I'm going to describe to you an insane protocol that no one can comply with and assume you'll figure it out."
Yes to all of this! I felt all of these same sentiments, and also during pregnancy. So much is unexplained, which is confounding because childbirth is the singular event that everyone who is ever born must go through, whether it be being birthed or birthing.
I’ve also rejected the “your body will do what it needs” sentiment. That’s not always true, as you point out in your comment! And it is quite disheartening for someone who has battled a disease, cancer or other congenital issue wherein the body did in fact do exactly the OPPOSITE of what it was supposed to.
Here’s to hoping the future is better for the little ones of today 🩵🫶🏻
It was actually in my birth plan and explicitly repeated to my doula to NOT say "your body was made for this/your body is doing what it needs to/you were made for this." That's such a baldfaced lie that hearing it immediately makes me feel like I'm in danger. Perhaps it's not surprising that I ended up with a c section, but when the cord is wrapped around the baby's neck and preventing his head from being in the right spot, it's a loss for natural childbirth.
I’m glad everything worked out — the nuchal cord is terrifying! My girl had that too, also c-section but planned. That’s another element of labor & delivery that seems to get a lot of flak? I’m writing about my experience (positive) with a c-section soon and how we must follow our instincts and advocate for ourselves ALWAYS 🫶🏻
Sooooo much of the conversation around full-time breastfeeding is COMPLETELY insane. People genuinely expect you to wake up every two hours for weeks (mayyyybe three), to breastfeed AND pump, and to track your baby’s ounce gains practically daily to make sure all is fine. Breastfeeding should be about allowing women to trust themselves, but it feels a whole lot like it’s about control and shame.
Totally! And there’s hardly any advice readily available on how to manage all of this…how do we carry on with other tasks in the day? Manage pain? Engorgement? Wean if we can’t do it? The more I talk about this the more I learn that so many of us have the same frustrations about the discourse — hoping one day this changes 🙏🏼
Or deal with other kids?! I EFFed my third for a variety of I Hate Breastfeeding reasons but a good chunk of it was simply not believing that it's possible to breastfeed a baby when you have other young kids.
No one ever talks about breastfeeding with multiple kids! So true
Thank you for writing this and being real about the experience. Sending you some good vibes as you progress through your journey 🌹✨ I am pregnant with my first and was told to not get a pump because it confuses the body and makes it think you’re feeding more babies than you actually are. It’s so much conflicting information out there! Reading about real experiences is very helpful and cuts through the noise.
Thank you for this sweet comment! Currently weaning and feeling much better 🫶🏻 Wishing you all the best with your first — it’s a wild but rewarding time 🩵 I’m glad I had my pump, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to even to breastfeed at all! You can get them through insurance if you want one as a backup before you decide what’s best for you — I used yummymummystore.com 💌
I appreciate this link and the well wishes!! Will definitely look into this and contact my insurance. I hope you have a great weekend 😊🩵
Hi!! I realize this post is quite a few months old now and I’m so sorry this was such a journey for you - I’m curious if any LC or doctors looked for tongue lip or cheek ties with your daughter? Was there a reason she struggled to latch if you ever found out? I find it very odd that those things aren’t checked for in hospital at birth - I am breastfeeding my son (born in October) and he had a horrible tongue and lip tie - I only knew to ask for someone to look and check his mouth at birth because my best friends kid had the same — the first eight days of trying to breastfeed before he got his frenectomy were hell - wouldn’t latch until he screamed himself to near blue in the face every time but also wasn’t taking a bottle.
I’m just curious if they ever checked your daughter ! I’m sorry this wasn’t the journey you hoped for but sounds like you’ve begun to wean and found peace with it 💕
Thank you for such a thoughtful comment! 🫶🏻 My doctor and one of the clinical lactation consultants I saw (NOT at the hospital) did check for those potential issues and she was all clear. The biggest barriers were my oversized boobs and nonexistent nipples LOL I justtttt posted a very long Part 2 to this with my best friend actually ☺️
Your suggestion would’ve been SO helpful to read before I gave birth just for additional peace of mind re “what” to look for. HUGE props to you for breastfeeding rn and I’m sorry you faced those first challenges. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done! I hope your journey on the milky express is as positive as it can be 🩵
Breastfeeding is the hardest! That’s the honest truth.
I wonder if the reason they were so pushy in hospital is because they’re “trying” to get breastfeeding rates up for CS’s or for the hospital data? I wonder if you did skin-to-skin? (Sorry if it’s a naive question I haven’t had a CS).
Final thought, if you’re very engorged then there’s a chance of over pumping. I learnt breastfeeding is an on-demand type of thing. The more you take. The more you make. The less you take. The less you make (hence another issue I hear is people top up with formula and then their supply drops because the body thinks it no longer needs that feed).
It is a tough choice to make though. When is “enough” enough? And there’s no definite answer because it’ll vary from person to person.
It is so hard! I’m so in awe of everyone who can do it. My doctor was great about skin-to-skin right after birth, so I did have that right after she came out! You’re probably onto something with that guess as to why they were so pushy, I can’t think of any other reason.
Totally hear you on the engorgement and wish I would’ve known that at the outset — lessening my pump sessions definitely helped. I did have a ton of milk in general, it was a delicate balance trying not to over-pump 🤣
so relatable! thanks so much for sharing your story! you’re the first person I’ve run into to share the commotion with LCs just after birth and I feel so seen! because of my experience, I’ve also become an exclusive pumper, but now at six months I’m venturing to see if I can get my baby to nurse. all I can say is that it does get easier bit by bit!
Thank you so much for reading and leaving this sweet comment! I think it’s amazing you’ve persevered, I’ve heard many women say it gets easier past the sixth month mark but know it’s no cake walk to do so. I hope you can do it!!
Your writing pulled me back to those early days that I think I've blocked out. I experienced engorgement, mastitis (3x), a crazy nipple infection that required a personalized compound ointment, D-MER, PPD/PPA, etc.--all while my city, NYC, was shut down (April 2020). Fast forward to now: I have two healthy, beautiful daughters, 4.5 and almost 3. I breastfed both of them, cumulatively, for 40 months (with only a three-month intermission). The physical and emotional toll nearly broke me and my marriage. I've been in therapy now for more than two years, and it has been so helpful. I look back on those days and wonder what it would have been like to switch to formula. I wonder if all the pain and turmoil was worth it. But now that I'm on the other side of it, I think that it was the right choice for me. As I tend to say to my fellow mom-friends, "Whatever choice you make is the right one because all that really matters is what works best for you and your family." Let go of the guilt, and follow your heart. I hope you find clarity in the days ahead. 💕
Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry that you had to manage all of that all at once — I am SO impressed and in awe of every woman’s story who reads like this and what you overcame to best provide for your children. Of course, it would be so much better without the hardship and unnecessary pain, but it’s very introspective of you to see the big picture of how your choices were the best decision for you and your family 🫶🏻 I’m actually writing a Part 2 to my first post with my best friend — I did indeed switch to formula (SO glad), and she is going on 6 months EBF with her second child. Rly excited to share her experience so my readers can see both sides of the spectrum and how all of us moms do better sticking together 🩵
I love that, Violet! Yes, I am one of the very few in my friends' circle that EBF, and you know what? We are all good. We all support one another's choices, and we LOVE each other through them. I don't know where I'd be without my mom-friends; they are the real ones, for sure. I recently wrote about the tenderness of mothers, both conventional and unconventional over on my Substack publication, Human/Mother. If you get the chance to read, I'd love to hear your thoughts! https://open.substack.com/pub/katrinadonhamwrites/p/are-you-my-mother?r=3cnvg1&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web.
I look forward to reading Part 2!
So relatable!!! X1000. Thank you for writing this. I don't know how you managed to find time and energy.
I think it must have been pure adrenaline, I’m now looking back and thinking the same thing 😱 I’m hoping to revisit this again when my milk finally stops coming and I’ve fully weaned. Thanks for reading — we’re in this together 🩵
This was me. Thank you for articulating the truth of the task. It was excruciating. I am fascinated by what mothers throughout history did to address the difficulty of breastfeeding. If anyone finds good books on the topic, I’d love to learn.
Thanks so much for reading — I’m so sorry you faced similar challenges, I wish it were easier! I’ve wondered the same thing, would I have not been able to feed my baby if I were born in a different time? Ditto to wanting to read a book on the topic 🩵
Love this post
Your pain is real. As always your honesty will help others!❤️
I had very much had a love/hate relationship with breastfeeding and had to stop at 6 weeks due to infection we both had and felt like such a failure. I was chastised in the hospital entire time I was there and just cried most of the time. Everyone I knew said how great breastfeeding was so made it worse.
You are brave and sending you strength and love always!🤍
Oh no, I am so sorry to hear you had that experience! 💔 I’m thrilled for all of my friends who have been able breastfeed the way I wanted, and utterly confused at the lack of support in the hospital to get those of us who can’t do it as naturally while being bombarded with admonitions about using formulas 🙄 I love you tons! 💖
Violet!! So much here I can relate to. I also had a difficult experience with lactation consultants in the hospital. I hear you & I feel for you. I exclusively pumped for quite a while and had such a love-hate relationship with it. I love how you’re processing all these feels and sharing them. I wish I could have known how to share this when I was in your shoes.
P.S. The fridge hack for pump parts saved my sanity. Hang in there! These early days are so much. my DMs are open if you ever want to talk pumping!
The more I talk about this, the more women who tell me they had similar hospital experiences with the lactation consultants! Truly confounding that so many of us had that shared experience 😵💫
The love-hate relationship is so real. I’m currently on the “hate” — who knows what next week will bring. I will def take you up on the DMs if I continue and overcome this current hill! 💖
Yes it is!
Reborn is life