Ranking My Google Searches as a First-time Mom

Contents of my browsing history: melodramatic and madcap.

Sep 25, 2024

I have never appreciated living in today’s digital age as much as I have following the birth of my daughter.

All of the mothers who came before, who rifled through thick-papered texts in the middle of the night while tears and milk dampened the pages — how did they do it?

All of the mothers who came before, who used only instincts and lessons passed down through history by family members or friends or communities at large, fumbling mushy cereal beneath soft candlelight and soothing fevers with cold rags without a liquid Tylenol dispenser — SERIOUSLY, HOW DID THEY DO IT?

I hope the burdens of motherhood continue to be lifted in time, and that advancements in technology continue to help the parents of the future by making the grind of endless childcare tasks easier. Because Google has been the saving grace that has held my postpartum panicking together and I don’t know how I would be able to preserve my little jars of peace of mind if I couldn’t simply search “how much spit up is too much spit up” at any given moment.

Perhaps that without the ability to access unquantifiable amounts of information within seconds, I would feel more confident, dare I say fearless even, about trying to just figure it out, which of course, I’m also doing in some way. But because I have the internet as a safety net, no topic is unable to be Googled. No Safari browser is safe from my unruly fingers. No peculiar experience has not yet been parked on the glorious orange landing strips of Reddit. It is the Wild West of possibilities, answers, and torment for a first-time mom in the 21st century.

With my first baby, everything feels like a high stakes game, and everything is unknown, so I am forever grateful for my search bar — but my search bar might not be so grateful for me and my absolutely bonkers inquiries that I feed it on the regular.

To honor my gratitude for living in this transcendental era of instant gratification and information overload, I have ranked my Google searches from these past three months that I recently revisited with both horror and hilarity. The scale is simply least to most absurd.

First-time moms in 2024: our fingers cannot be tamed. We contain multitudes.

#10: “Can a bowel movement bust me out of my c-section stitches” — July 3, 2024 | 1 week old

This one ranks at the bottom of the list because it’s not quite absurd, but it is in fact a terrifying thought, and a question I asked the hospital nurses approximately 99 times before being discharged. If you know, you know.

Google answer: DRINK THE MIRALAX.

#9: “Does my baby think I stink” & “How much Taco Bell is too much Taco Bell” & “Can I eat Taco Bell 1 week postpartum” — July 4, 2024 | 1 week old

My husband and I met on the Fourth of July six years ago. And every year since, we have celebrated with an exorbitant amount of Taco Bell. Apparently, this Fourth of July had me feeling uncertain about my usual order and so I assume these three searches were all connected.

Reddit answer: there is no such thing as too much Taco Bell.

Google answer #1: yes, your baby thinks you stink, it’s a physiological necessity to stimulate a breastfeeding response, so eat the cheese as you please.

Google answer #2: I’m going to ignore the more accurate health information on this topic and form my own scientific hypothesis that Taco Bell is indeed incredibly healthy postpartum because there’s no better mood-booster for Mommy than a fresh Crunchwrap Supreme and in this household we prioritize Happy Mommy. Healthy is subjective.

*Source: my stomach. Sorry to quinoa and bone broth, you must wait.

#8: “What do I do with my newborn” — August 28, 2024 | 8 weeks old

Seriously, what do we do with these things? Do we just — stare at them all day? Am I boring my daughter with my exaggerated smiles for two straight hours? Where do I even put her? Do I just — hold her all day long? Do I take her into the bathroom with me? Do I lay her on the kitchen table in her lounger while I eat? Does she even like being horizontal? Is she having fun just — napping and napping and napping? Does she even KNOW I’M HER MOM????

Google answer: “Newborn babies need milk and comfort.” *facepalm*

#7: “Why doesn’t my baby smell good” — September 22, 2024 | 12 weeks old

My baby smells like pee. All the time. She’s such a hydrated girlie! So, what is this mystical newborn smell everyone talks about? Was I jipped on receiving a delicious baby? I thought when she was first born that her head smelled like cotton candy. As the smell faded, I wondered if my mind made it up. Or if it was her fresh laundry or her clean untouched hair. But she definitely doesn’t smell like cotton candy anymore.

Google answer: it’s a medical mystery, like many happenings of the body and baby in pregnancy and motherhood. Sigh. How unsatisfying.

#6: “Why is my baby sweaty” — September 16, 2024 | 11 weeks old

I mean, was I just Googling things to Google them? Have I lost my ability to think critically with this all-hours access to all of the answers to all of the things?

Google answer: my baby is a human. Humans sweat. Riveting!

#5: “How hard is it to paint a garage” — September 4, 2024 | 9 weeks old

In a manic state of mind, I prepared to repaint four different rooms in my house, plus the garage. I don’t know, some form of regaining control? Can any medical professionals on Substack confirm or deny my incredibly maddening urge to paint and paint and paint 9 weeks postpartum? I did one small room and vowed to never lift a roller again.

Google answer: you should absolutely not paint a garage 9 weeks postpartum.

#4: “Why do I feel like my life isn’t mine” — September 2, 2024 | 9 weeks old

Sitting in my rocker, watching my daughter fall asleep, I glanced at her bookshelves on my birthday and I wondered who the books were for. “I have a newborn, she can’t read,” I thought to myself, as I began to wonder why I have books for a baby. As if the baby will not grow older. As if the baby is not the same baby that will one day not be a baby and will one day read those same books. I wondered about what it means to grow older, as I rocked and rocked and rocked on my birthday, thinking of all the books I haven’t read and if I would always be in that rocker, and if this baby is even mine.

Google answer: go to sleep.

#3: “Can my baby’s fist get stuck in her mouth” — September 21, 2024 | 12 weeks old

We love a new motor skill! Except, now the tiny fist fits in the tiny mouth and I’m worried it won’t come out? Can she swallow her fist? Can it get stuck? Will she suffocate on her OWN FINGERS?

Google answer: no, this is truly absurd. Go buy a LifeVac and calm down.

#2: “Can a nose picker get stuck in baby’s nose” & “Does my baby distrust me when I pick her boogers” — August 28, 2024 | 8 weeks old

There is nothing my baby hates more than the nose picker/nose sucker combination. It’s torture, apparently. She looks at me like I’m Hannibal Lecter when I approach with the torture tools. So I try to be quick! I try to be efficient! And I wonder, if I’m too quick, can the booger picker get stuck in my quest for minimizing the torment down the nasal cavity?

Google answer: the Oogiebear Booger Picker is specifically designed to not get stuck in baby’s nostrils — in fact, it’s about 2 mm long, so, I think it’s fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine. And no. Your baby doesn’t think you’re Hannibal Lecter.

#1: “Can my baby do a backflip?” — July 25, 2024 | 3.5 weeks old

My baby is not so advanced that she can already file her taxes and drive a car, but she does in fact appear to be an Olympic gymnast. Simone Biles — make way! One second she’s flat on her back in the dim lighting of the baby monitor, looking like an angelic starfish covered in adorable cartoon dragons, and the next she has become one of said baby dragons and is trying to backflip out of her bassinet.

Google answer: no, my baby cannot do a backflip, and it turns out she was just pooping at the most optimal angle possible for a middle-of-the-night surprise. Oh, parenthood!

Honorable Mentions:

Why does my baby sleep like a shrimp
Why does my baby slam her face into the side of the mesh bassinet
Why does my baby sound like a lion in her sleep
Why does my baby’s poop smell like popcorn
Does my baby think I’m cute

I’d love to hear about the feral thoughts that made you grab your phone as fast as lightning in the middle of the night. And if you’re a pre-phone wizard, please tell me how you survived.

Drop your silly searches and wisdom in the comments and always remember, YOU’RE DOING GREAT.

Xo,

Violet Carol

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